Minus 14 this morning.  Fantastic sunny day with no  clouds and no wind, it's going to be cold picking up.   We are standing about making passable impressions of Inuit hunters when the guns arrive.  Stepping out of their super-heated Range Rovers they  visibly gasp at the cold.  Interesting how they are dressed.  One is out of a 1970's Barbour catalogue with bright green wellies and a brand new Wax jacket.  Didn't think they made them any more. Think it must be his school football team socks folded over the tops of his boots, he is going to be cold.  The guy who appears to be the leader has a tweed jacket on and large plus two's and huge socks.  Embroidered around the turn over of one sock in large letters is " I BANG"  and around the other sock is "HIGH BIRDS" - you can take that two ways.   Out of  the passenger seat gets a female whom you can only presume is a "high bird".   Some of  the lads get a bit excited at all the long blonde hair and tight tweeds but close up the remarkable skill of the plastic surgeon and implant manufacturer is evident. 

Off to the first drive.  I am standing behind  "I bang high birds"  and am fascinated as he prepares for the drive by attending to Buster.   Buster is big, hairy spaniel and liver and white.  He has a chain round his neck and is tethered to the ground by a rope and a fence post.   His passenger stands next to him and instead of  the expected well spoken voice I hear her say in an Essex twang, (apologies to you if you are from Essex but this is Yorkshire)  "Effing hell it's cold, do I have to stand here all effing day?"  The birds start to come over and "I bang high birds"  is not a bad shot.  Buster obviously counts his shots because he starts to bark throughout the drive.  Eventually a Partridge falls near Buster and this is too much to bear.  Off he goes dragging the fence post with him.  " I bang high birds"  tries to kick him as he passes by but then gives up and continues shooting but at the same time shouts at his  "bird" to catch the dog.   She tells him to - well you can guess what she tells him, and Buster has his freedom.  Paddy (my most experienced picking up dog) decides that if Buster can run in so can he, so he is off.  Two more of my youngsters think that if Paddy can run in so can they, so they are off.  One pissed off picker up then has to run around and restore order.  At least it gets him warm.

Later during the drive (not much is being hit) I send Mint off for a retrieve.  He is a bit wary because Buster is still charging about ploughing the snow with his fencing post but he picks a nice retrieve (Mint not Buster).  Bobby is  then sent for one that fall on the frozen beck.  He hits the ice and in one slide picks the Partridge and carries on for a further ten feet or so before colliding with a snow drift.   He tries to turn round with four legs going in four different directions at the same time and eventually gets pointed in my direction and returns to me.  

At the end of the second drive we stop for a drink and "Ten O' Clocks".  The Sloe Gin tastes lovely. Halfway through a worried keeper comes up to the pickers up and asks  "How many do you think they shot off the first drive?"   We reckon twenty would be optimistic.  Apparently the guns reckon they shot sixty and that the pickers up are c***.    That goes down a storm!   I volunteer to go back and sweep the area during the third drive and find two extra birds that we had missed  (actually think the dogs pegged one that had not been shot).  As you can imagine the rest of the day is a litttle tense!    There were woodcock everywhere and I am really pleased the keeper has said they must not be shot.  Thinking about it afterwards they would have had more chance of hitting a barn from the inside than hitting a woodcock but at least they were spared.  They are having a hard enough time as it is in this weather. 

At the end of the day at least "I bang high birds"  has the decency to thank us all.  Don't know it will be so easy for him to reconcile his relationship with blondie - she cleared off half way through the morning saying she did not know Yorkshire was North of the Effing Arctic circle. 

We all had a drink and a laugh at the end of the day, you could feel it getting colder by the minute and the snow covered fells were lit pink and purple as the sun set.   Great day despite the excitement.   Oh, and Buster had a great day.      

Andy    

Quality  Your days sound much more fun than ours!

You 'paint' such a wonderful scene with your words - I could almost be there!

Superb - put them in a book Andy. I'd buy it....8)

...... so would I my friend, so would I.

Such a great read 

Great stuff Andy, bet Buster always has a good day out, whether above or below the Effing Artic Circle.

Andrew

Mr & Mrs P here - thanks Andy - we're off to bed having a good old chuckle.

that was a class - some light entertainment after spending all evening on Amazon trying to get xmas presents that I can only hope will be delivered in time.  I've also just sent my cheque off for Peter Jones book.  You really should keep all this and write your own book, it would be well received. 

Ali

Ali

I do hope the keeper charged them for the pegged bird!

I was picking up on Monday, complete opposite, decent guns and some seriously good shooting - plus twenty quid in an envelope at the end of the day!

Great story Andy, have you thought of a book or a regular column in ST or the like?

Superb!  I can really picture the scene - especially the "effing blond bird from Essex"!!!

That is brilliant Andy, really made me chuckle and even though I'm completely new to this world of shooting / trialling etc I can really picture the scene. I can't wait to get a copy of Peter Jones' book and I too really think you should do the same - I'd certainly buy it.

Haven't laughed so much in ages.  I'm sure Andy has lots of funny stories and yes to put them in a book would be great, even though time consuming for Andy.  Regards  Marc

Excellent reading Andy.     Thanks for posting.

Do you always get such characters out on your shoot?

I can wait to hear more!

Andrew has left to go training as the snow has finally gone and you can see where you are walking now, so thanks for all the kind comments.

I also laughed when I read it and yes, you do get these sort of people out and more. I took out a young dog for his first exposure to the real thing a couple of weeks ago and was stood in a deep gully (could not go back because it was a "return" drive) and watched with interest "new gun" who was single gunning and quite obviously "new girlfriend" who had come along to "Stuff" (not being rude it is just when you have someone feeding the cartridges into the gun after two shots have been fired rather than double gunning and having a loader to pass you a second gun that is ready to fire.  Girlfriend had very tight shooting trousers and big wellies and lots of long blonde hair flowing around and flat cap set at an angle which meant it kept falling off whenever she bent down to pick up cartridges in a bag at her feet.  As the drive started boyfriend started firing at anything coming over whether in reach or not and then turning away just when a perfectly set bird came over and he never even saw it.  Every time he emptied the gun he turned round and girlfriend struggled to stuff the cartridges in and he then started shouting at her that he was "missing the birds and hurry up" - which meant the atmosphere got steadily worse as the drive progressed!  He then hit a pheasant which fell on the bank behind them and she started to walk up the bank to pick it up and he started shouting at her "leave it - that's their job (pointing at me)" and the drive then finished and I think, so did a potential relationship!!

Fiona

Great anecdotes !  As I collected the brown bits from the snow in the back garden, I could hear the guns banging away on nearby Crathes Estates ( and others further afield) ,and wonder if there are any similar comic scenes playing out..

 I can just picture it!

Have seen a few funny moments too over the years. One that springs to mind is when a gun  arrived with his girlfriend.She was wearing a brand new expensive tweed jacket. She had no hat, gloves and her footwear was completely inadequate. It started to rain on the second drive and very quickly she started to look like a drowned rat.On the third drive she slipped and fell (yes you guessed in the gloopy mud!) and her lovely new jacket was covered in mud. I did feel sorry for her though.

I must walk around with ny eyes closed8) because in over 30 years of attending shoots i have never noticed what anyone was wearing:roll:

I noticed the lack of clothes this girl was wearing in the depths of winter. Quite a few of us passed comment on how she'd spent all her money on the jacket and couldn't afford wellies, a hat or a pair of gloves

Great story, I enjoyed it with my morning coffee! We had an experience with six little men from Malta a couple of years ago - short, dark men in camouflage dresses and big, heavy guns... They did not understand that you are not allowed to shoot certain species and thought all the beaters and pickers up where just in their way...